the clairemuseum reading list

this past month, i've been fighting (or more accurately, losing) a battle against the disorganization that comes with graduating high school. but amid the horror of cap decorating, ceremony rehearsal, and a terrifyingly humid prom night, a moment of relief arrived in the form of my first ever college reading list! the irony of schoolwork alleviating my stress is not lost on me, but reading lists and syllabi have always been a source of excitement—and now, inspiration too. for this entry, i put together my own list of required reading, perfectly tailored to me!

my beloved bookshelf

1. downpour of light—marina tsvetaeva

this essay showcases the work of two writers i love, marina tsvetaeva and boris pasternak. downpour of light, one of several pieces in tsvetaeva's art in the light of conscience collection, is full of praise for pasternak's prose, and delves into tsvetaeva's own interpretations and experiences meeting with him. what i find most impressive about this essay is how accessible it is, even for those who aren't familiar with either author's work. tsvetaeva's writing is ultimately human, unconcerned with sounding "professional", and instead focused on a review that is full of humor and personality. my favorite part is a section about pasternak's rain poetry, in which tsvetaeva's commentary completely elevates the text, implying that pasternak does not romanticize the rain like other poets, but is instead romanticized by the rain itself.

"rebirth. miracle. from the lermontov avalanche to the lebedyan burdock, everything is present, nothing's left out, nothing missed. but the rain fell in love with pasternak more passionately than the grasses, dawns and blizzards. (and how it be—rained the poet—the whole book swims!) and this isn't the sparse little rain of autumn! not drizzling, but driving; not pedestrian—equestrian!"

2. invisible monsters—chuck palahniuk

reading invisible monsters for the first time was an experience i'll never forget. being a sheltered twelve year old, i was totally unfamiliar with palahniuk's writing. (it would be a few more years before i discovered the pretentious kid staple that is fight club.) it goes without saying that i was far too young to understand everything that was written, but invisible monsters was one of the first books i read with LGBTQ representation, and that was incredibly significant for me. the story, which is told in nonlinear "jumps", explores themes of isolation, identity, and beauty through the eyes of an unnamed disfigured model and brandy, a trans woman who mentors her. don't get it twisted though—this book is in no way heartwarming. looking back, i don't know whether to laugh at or take pity on my younger self for reading this so early. palahniuk's writing bounces back and forth between crude humor and straight-up violence, and while i adore his style, it's clearly an acquired taste. as this goodreads review puts it, "quite possibly the most fucked up piece of literature i’ve ever read, this novel is a brilliantly executed train wreck from beginning to end."

"you're a product of our language and how our laws are and how we believe our god wants us. every bitty molecule about you has already been thought out by some million people before you. anything you can do is boring and old and perfectly okay. you're safe because you're so trapped inside your culture. anything you can conceive of is fine because you can conceive of it. you can't imagine any way to escape. there's no way you can get out," brandy says. "the world is your cradle and your trap."

3. salome—oscar wilde

growing up in an irish household, i've been familiar with oscar wilde for years, but embarrassingly enough, i wasn't convinced to read his work until i heard the smiths' song cemetry gates. (problematic, i know, but like most other 14 year olds, i had an individuality complex.) wilde's interpretation of salome remains true to the biblical text, but modifies it to fit the format of a symbolist play that explores the darker nature of each character. the story illustrates salome's weaponization of her own sexuality, resulting in her death at the end of the play, where wilde leaves her morals relatively ambiguous. the writing here allows the reader to justify–or condemn–salome's actions, creating a stronger relationship between the audience and the text. personally, i have always been on salome's side. i even found a note from earlier this year where i referred to her as an "ancient girlboss", and if you look past the dated term, i think there's some truth behind that statement.

“i am athirst for thy beauty; i am hungry for thy body; and neither wine nor apples can appease my desire. what shall i do now, jokanaan? neither the floods nor the great waters can quench my passion. i was a princess, and thou didst scorn me. i was a virgin, and thou didst take my virginity from me. i was chaste, and thou didst fill my veins with fire...” 

 

4. w.b. yeats' collected poems

sadly, my introduction to yeats' work is practically identical to that of oscar wilde's. yeats is another irish poet i ignored until i heard cemetry gates, but since then his writing has been a staple for me. this past winter, i spent hours on the beach by my house with my mom's old yeats copies, and it was genuinely one of the most relaxing things i've done in a while. yeats' poetry is rife with themes of spirituality and art, and given the context of political unrest in ireland, it only gets more interesting. two years later, my favorite poem by yeats, reflects on the naivety that comes with being young, using tons of descriptive language to immerse the reader in his narrative. i love how relatable this poem is, even though it was written over a century ago. as someone who's mildly addicted to nostalgia, it's nice to hear yeats talk about the changes that come in time.

"has no one said those daring kind eyes should be more learn'd? or warned you how despairing the moths are when they are burned? i could have warned you; but you are young, so we speak a different tongue. o you will take whatever's offered; and dream that all the world's a friend, suffer as your mother suffered, be as broken in the end. but i am old and you are young, and i speak a barbarous tongue."

5. how tracy austin broke my heart—david foster wallace

in theory, a review of a tennis star's memoir would not appeal to me much. wallace's how tracy austin broke my heart, however, is proof that a good author can make any topic interesting. initially, this essay takes the form of a review, discussing the reasons why he didn't like tracy austin's book, beyond center court. as the piece goes on, though, wallace goes deeper into the hows and whys behind his displeasure, and why so many athlete memiors are written the way austin's is. towards the end of the essay, wallace makes an implication that struck me particularly hard. the reason, he claims, that star athletes are able to perform so well, is because they are able to not think about anything. at first, this sounds somewhat insulting. certainly the tracy austins of the world aren't stupid—after all, they've made a fortune ascending the ranks of their respective sports—but wallace isn't saying they're not smart. rather, his argument is that the real talent is their ability to shut down an internal dialogue and focus entirely on physical performance. reading this essay unearthed countless memories of overthinking my own performance on the teams i played for, and how sometimes, our own thoughts can sabotage us. as foolish as it sounds, this piece taught me that sometimes it's better not to think at all—and let our actions speak for themselves. 

"the real secret behind top athletes' genius, then, may be as esoteric and obvious and dull and profound as silence itself. the real, many-veiled answer to the question of just what goes through a great player's mind as he stands at the center of hostile crowd-noise and lines up at the free-throw that will decide the game might well be: nothing at all. "

now that my eyes are feeling heavy and it's nearing 2am, i'm going to wrap my list up here. i hope you enjoyed the recommendations i curated for you! (actually, i curated them with myself in mind, but i promise you'll love them too) i am constantly finding new obsessions, so you can expect a sequel to this at some point, but for now, school's out!